But the Lord said to him, Go your way: for he is a chosen vessel to me, to bear my name before the Gentiles, and kings, and the children of Israel (Acts 9:15)
Matthew Henry tells us "The teaching of the Holy Spirit takes away the scales of ignorance and pride from the understanding; then the sinner becomes a new creature, and endeavors to recommend the anointed Saviour, the Son of God, to his former companions." Amazingly enough (or not), I had this conversation with someone yesterday. I don't think it gets any clearer than this - this IS what happens when Christ comes into your life! Just as Saul was thrown to the ground and blinded, we, too, experience that overwhelming desire to WANT to do for God! We change - in that moment, Saul became Paul and spent the remainder of his life preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ! In that instant, our focus changes, our "epiphany" takes place and we become HIS! He guides us, he leads us and he strengthens us in our journey. The desire to know more and to tell others about what he has done for you becomes the focus of your earthly existence. That is not to say that your responsibilities (work, home, family, friends) do not enter the picture. Even Jesus enjoyed the company of his family and friends, the occasional celebration and I am sure, a laugh or two. But until you are ready to accept this particular responsibility, it will allude you. You cannot have it both ways. It's either a worldly life or a Christ-inspired life!
The closer you get to it, the more Satan will attack. He does not want you to "give up the ghost" of what has become his playground for many years. He will fight tooth and nail to keep you in his clutches. Only through the strength afforded us through Jesus, can we walk, without hesitation, into the waiting arms of our Savior. The desire (bordering on obsession - but in a good way) to know more about the love of God, the sacrifice of Christ and the message he has for us becomes your focus! Nothing else matters simply because nothing else lasts! When you finally put God first, and follow the path he lays before you, everything falls into place as it is supposed to!
If you don't have a desire to grow spiritually, if you are still living your life in a manner that takes the focus off yourself and places it on him (in an effort to judge his commands to us), if you are picking and choosing which portions of the Bible apply to you, then think again...you are still lost! The fact that you are questioning anything that God offers you should tell you your faith in him is not what it should be.
The Bible IS the word of God -it's not someone's interpretation of events that transpired years ago - it's what's been written by the prophets and the apostles. Even Jews believe the Old Testament to be the Word of God - the Old Testament is a Christian translation of the Jewish "Tanakh". If you don't read it and don't study it, if you don't attend a service that preaches it, you will never grow in FAITH!
Stop looking for the answers that YOU want, look for the truth in the WAY! He is a loving God, a mighty God but he is also a God who demands obedience! He knows that we are not perfect, but with the strength that comes through the Holy Spirit, sent to us by Christ Jesus, we can and do change! Ask him, fervently and sincerely, with all that is within you, to come into your heart and take hold of your soul! Ask him to pour out his healing spirit on you and bring you to your knees - for it is there, and only there, that you will find what it is you seek!